This is my diary from before i had this website , CW theres self harm , suicidal ideation and uhhh idk drugs and uhhh bad stuff i guess.

Before anyone reads this , I think it's important to mention that most of the entries here were written after 9pm , and it is prudent to assume that by that time my mind is exhausted and therefore "not itself"
On one way or another.

Edit: fuck you reader this are my unfiltered thoughts and what i should have said from the start
feb-24

Edit 2 : i was here to write edit one but i forgot i had already done that
21-11-24

Edit 3 : im gonna do authors notes from the big ol 2026 , youll see these as //comment here-.



So I was thinking, what's the point of living if it's always gonna get worse no matter what I do because it was all fucked up for years before I was born. So why not end it quick before I have to deal with half the bullshit that being an adult in this society comes with. I don't think there's been a day for at least the past 3 years maybe even more where I don't think even if it's only one time , " damn , what if I just killed myself" . Because why not, even if I do live past the age of 25 and fulfill all of my goals, then what. The world is going to get worse either by global warming or wars between opposing superpowers or even a complete societal collapse leaving everything and everyone in ruin , looking at a past that once was and with nothing left but the faint hallucinations of what could have been.

4-02-2023 //Okay lil bro we see youre edgy, also , would've appreciated it if our “ life plan” didn't end like a year and a half ago as of writing this comment.

I'll keep this one vague in case someone inevitably finds this

Last night I had the strangest of dreams , though It was very clear the message it was trying to send , in the fact that they would accept it and probably help , I refuse to see myself as that person and yet it is me so it appears that I am in denial , but it still is to be determined in the future , probably in six months , but I still can't shake off the feeling of happiness and , for lack of a better word , euphoria the moment that object was given to me and the instant it was used moments before the dreams end. It worries me the fact that my subconscious might just be coming to terms with it before I even start to consider it.

******* //Redacted cause it was too cringey

5-02-2023

Its kinda wierd how I be feeling lately, it's like I'm an observer in my own mind , seeing sometimes two or sometimes even up to four completely distinct and different yet still similar personalities fighting for control of the body. And there may be moments when I relate more to and feel more like a specific one but there are other times where I sort of see things from an " outsider's" perspective, as if I where watching from behind a glass wall a group of monkeys fighting for a god damn swing.

9-02-2023 // bruh moment , me when dissociation


How things can change in an instant, ain't that right. This whole week you got me feeling like a worthless piece of shit , but a good ol' reflection can't solve , just gotta focus on the path and the goal will show itself in time , either way what matters is what we do on our way , so yeah , maybe life's worth living . But you know depressed me , and don't worry, we'll definitely be hearing more from him , maybe even tomorrow, but right now , there's some hope. Kinda funny considering that I just got a 6.2 on history and a 7.4 on physics and my grades are pretty much tanking but still , I can just raise em up when I feel like it , so I'll put on the effort on the ones that are left.

10-02-2023 // Everything went according to plan , quite literally. Got through with the least possible effort.

Well that didn't last long , back to the everlasting existential dread and thoughts of not being enough and of there not being any actual purpose to keep on living. Either way , those times normally don't last longer than couple days so yeah. Back to working myself to death while simultaneously not doing nothing at all and feeling like I should putting more effort into school while actively seeking more distractions , but whatever , if it's worked for me the last 11 years it'll probably work again. //And it did XD, for three more years no less.

But like damn I really am a freaking looser, I'm pretty sure everyone just acts nice with me cause they think I'm a freak , and I also believe that my "friends " are with me just cause of pitty and I have the most abhorrent degenerate interests , I could literally stay in my room for a week straight doing nothing but play videogames while I sense the time slip between my fingers. Not to mention the wierd and concerning thoughts I've been having, and not concerning as in " oh I wann throw myself of a bridge " , no those ive become all too familiar with , I mean thoughts of doubt in who I am and who I want to be , and if the person I'm becoming is one I can be happy being , though they are not new they've never taken a shape like this. Before they were just thoughts like " oh I hate myself and how I look " and they just went hand in hand with the suicidal thoughts, even though I'm too much of a coward to actually do it. But now , and I know it sounds cliche and all but you could say, I guess I'm not even sure who I am.

I think the world would be a better place without me.

11-02-2023

It's been a really wierd couple of months , you know with its ups and downs but overall just wierd , like I've felt things I've never felt before type of wierd , like trying to find the real me I buried deep in the past type of wierd , and I still kinda don't know how to feel about it, that's kinda why I haven't written nothin for some time, but eh let's just follow the crumbs and see where it leads , maybe it won't be bad at all.

27-02-2023

Damn , time flies , it's already been 4 months since the liberals got me with that MTF blåhaj loving propaganda , and still going strong, though the feelings attached with the realization of "something not being right" have siezed or at least partially cooled off , they are still there , and I can feel them just waiting , waiting for the perfect moment , the perfect moment of weakness to make me impulsively do something, something **** , but till then , just gonna try to pass by as what I've been trying to be since ,well , ever.

5-03-2023 //NGL this shit cringe af, get redacted.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to live without music, tho I just noticed that lately , like it's such a big part in my mood , it can be used to cheer me up to validate my feelings to motivate me , and so much , it's just really something beautiful how there's such a thing that exists and allows people to express themselves and their emotions with such fervour and accuracy. Either by the lyrics the melody or both the creator of a piece can convey the most complex of feelings and experiences to the listeners. Today was a really good day and I guess I just wanted to reflect a bit on that. That's all

6-03-2023 // Cringe ahh writing style and prose ngl

Shits wack , and it ain't getting better , that's pretty much all I have to say about the last ten days , it just feels like every time I wake up a piece of my whole energy just poofs out of existence, leaving me unable to recover even from the easiest tasks , I just feel severely exhausted all the time , no motivation to do nothing , basically just going through the motions till I can't, or till I refuse to. But damn I don't know what it is but its definitely making me descend into madness more and more each day.

16-02-2023 // Spoiler alert it was ADHD and burnout and gender stuff

Man I don't know what to tell ya , I have absolutely zero clue on who I am or who I want to be , but I'm sure about one thing, I hate the way I'll look like in a couple years, but like fucking hell man I wish I knew what the fuck was going on , the only thing about myself that is certain and always has been is that I hate myself but like what the fuck am I supposed to do about it, and for what , either way I'll kill myself sooner or later so fuck everything and everyone and myself too I wish I just hadn't been born , every fucking day is just the same over and over but somehow worse and worse every time , doesn't matter if my grades are better if my friends treat me well or not , at the end of the day the feelings always come back worse than before so if I know that it'll just keep going downhill like this why the fuck not end it right now because sooner or later my thoughts will be so delusional so utterly disconnected from reality that , well I don't know. Ignore all of that just rambling to myself, nothing much to mention today , guess I played with some friends for most of it , but now idk.

18-02-2023 //Spoiler alert , i in fact did NOT kill myself and now have to deal with the situation this dumbass left me in.

So turns out it had been longer than I thought when it comes to the wiggly brainworms that now inhabit my frontal lobe, due to the resent finding of a schizopost on my gallery dated 28th of October, I now know this shit has gone on for longer than it should , but o guess we'll se where it goes , also fuck this shit it's just doing the same thing over and over till I have a mental breakdown and stop all together or till I die , whatever comes first. Welp that was all medic gayming out . ( If you can't tell that my delusional thought pattern has worsened just by reading this , then you might have not passed third grade reading comprehension, okay baiiiii kisssesss :3 <3 )

23-04-23 //Cringe but also based

Well shits done and only 71 more days to go till I can "do a silly" that's all , and no I'm not gonna explain the time skip fuck you.

16-06-23 // “do a silly” was referring to a suicide attempt i was going to do and never did cause im a coward.


Fuckin hell man, that shit is disgusting, the thing staring back at me in the mirror, I mean. You know , right when things were looking up , this felt like my knees were just fucking smooshed by a crowbar. I was just starting to like the way I looked , and then bam! A fucking haircut, " oh it'll only be a bit off the top " , fucking bitch , you know I take a bit of the top of your skull how's that sound , because if I want to blow my head of why shouldn't I blow yours instead. I wish I could just look the way I wanted to. I wish I knew how I wanted to look. I wish I wasnt me. I hate that guy. And I'm sure he hates me back but it's fine, the feeling is mutual. Sometimes I do think of ways to kill that guy. But it never really comes close to happenin.
Enough deranged talk for today I guess, says the person who just fucking cried in the bathroom, with the lights off ,again.

8-08-2023 //This still is relatable, im going to start cutting my own hair cause last time my barber fucked my shit up beyond human comprehension.

I fucking love my friends they are litterally the only reason i havent offed myself , it is weird to think how different my life would be with only a couple decisions being charged. The other day i got high and **** was my tripsitter , and i started panicking and bawlled my eyes out for like an hour or more , how i love that bro, hes a real one , for now. I honestly dont think he would treat me the same if he knew all my thoughts, the queer ones to be specific. Its like:

We have reason to believe that your soul is just like ours .
Did you ever have the feeling , you were just a little different ?
Well heres our webpage youve finally found a home.
Car seat headrest - not what i needed

Been a while ig

3-12-2023 // Redacted for privacy duh

I think my friends hate me , and just hang out with me out of pity. Idk

4-12-2023

I dont know who or what i am , again i dont know why ive become so unstable in the last couple of months , but like idk its 8 pm and im hearing csh so that might be it , but if this wasnt real , the feelings i mean , i wouldnt even be writing this. Also my cuts already healed , i was a bit worried my parents would see and wouldnt let be go back to ***** //country i was studying in-
Idk, i dont even like it that much there, i fear i wont be able to get up in the mornings from now on.

22-12-2023 // Spoiler alert , That country is somehow even worse now.

They are watching, i know they are. I was just finished with cleaning my SH ( it was a fucking miserable cut , covered by a single band aid ) and i got this vídeo on my feed https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM6vaNRHv/
I know they are watching. They must have something planned for me to keep me around , otherwise why would they. Im sure their plan is just to keep me alive long enough for them to drain every single penny they can out of me. Also never doing drugs again, that shits lame as fuck and gives me panick attacks. I wonder if ill ever ****//have the courage- to kill myself ****//have the courage to do bottom surgery-. Either way i hate living in this flesh prison. Mocking my every glare , looking back at me with hatred , and how could it still be me , despite everything, if i dont even know who "me" is. Avarage porcelain throne rant be like. Anyways antidepressants dont work for shit. ( they most definitely do ) i hate myself.

7-2-2024 //Spitting bars though.

My cuts are not as deep and my scars not as many , yet she says we are the same,

14-2-2024 // Fire bars

I will cut myself tonight

I hope i dont hit a nerve
When speaking about it with her
Shes the only one that gets it
But ill never be like her
No , itll never be the same
No, we will never be the same.

She looks at me , worryingly
Asks if im okay, i nod and go away
And when we se again, she said she shouldve known
By the twitch in my eye. By the tone of my voice.
But i never spoke up.
No , i never spoke up

But yes i wrote a song about you ,
That youll probably never hear

So why not hot thw pen and stare at the sealing as we reveal our most intimate thoughts and feeliings.

17-2-2024 //Kinda mid

We were in front of the old house
So like my dog used me as stepping stool to get on the car, and the other one was trying to escape and smth happend idr what and dream changed,

Me **** and ***** where chilling at the house and i had to do smth they stayed there and i told them by call , ey if u want u can use the pc, dream change

I was in a ***** //different country- home doing idk , and the " brother " came to me said smth and we heard the door , it was the " dad" said smth idr , fst frwrd next morning , in bus get to the train station , looks like a police investigation , but i think they were recording a movie or smth , guy aproaches me , " hey did you know this is laminated glass" proceeds to hit it with bottle and it shatters but doesnt break off , " it should do a cool sound when shot in recording " dupsters on fire , fences , yellow tape , etc, go to the escaletor to get to the train station , dream change

Me and someone ( in dream i thought it was ***** even though they didnt look alike ) are chilling in a room with a tv, they have a pink alt outfit with a skirt half down their legs .
Them: what would be a reasonable prise for a skirt if you ordered it in secret
Me: well clothes are expensive , ye theyre expensive
Them: welllll it arrives tomorrow so whatevs
************ //too cringey and kinda awkward

Woke up

19-2-2024

So i just drank a bit in ******s house but i dont know why people do it , i dont get it , i just feel like shit everyone is just talking about their futures , but honestly i dont have any , im not having none of it . They talk about inheritance and corps idk , children raising them etc etc. Yuck . One day at a time we'll see.

19-5-2024 //Should have planned a bit farther ahead dumbass.

And nothing happened i guess , they definitely heard it i swear , but i guess they dont care enough , but i wont do it ever again unless i know they arent home . Cause damn that was expensive and now i have that classic stomachake and lightheadedness from all the endorphines , not the good ones

21-5-2024 //uhhhh i think i was talking about cutting in this one

I think giving life and conscious is the worst thing a being could ever do to another , because ethically speaking , you would be responsible for all the suffering that could and will happen during existence. So is it preferable an eternity of nonexistence , or a moment of conscious and unequivocal emotion good and bad.

3-7-2024 //Ewwwww antinatalism , ewww thats cringe

Green grass grows
The summer smell stings my nose
I feel like sysiphus pushing his rock
Always climbing , never enough
Trying my darndest, giving my best
But not even my hardest seems to suffice
But if life is not about the futile strugle
Then i dont know what its about
If the meaning isnt searching for one
Then i suppose im done searching
Done trying
Done climbing
Starting to roll down , letting myself get crushed by the bowlder
But no thats not an option , hold my ground , strengthen my grip , and continue climbing
Two steps up one step back
Two steps up one step back

I only wanna die when im sober
When im high i fear for my life
And when im drunk i just give up
20-09-2024 //FAX

***** //Redacted cause it was WAY too cringe, imagine a dumb teen having their first kiss (with another guy, so cringe and gay) while drunk and writing about it here.
13-10-2024



I need drugs
19-10-2024 // i did , it was meth , for ADHD

There's no music in my dreams
21-10-2024

Last night i had a piercing it wasnt there in the morning , it was never there .
I wonder what the quickest way to kill oneself is.

Also , fuck optimistic me

21-11-2024 //fuck you too buddy


.i fuck8ng came out to my friends

7-12-2024 //drunkposting on main

hooray i guess

8-1-2025 //ADHD diagnosis day

I guess sober i dont think as much but here without inhibitions i can tell myself i hate livin fr ong

10-5-2025

Im never doing weed again.

10-6-2025 //spoiler i did do weed again, and i got heart problems now because of it yippee!